Good Morning!!

I have been feeling sick for the past 2 days, which really got to me.  Since i have been put on prozac the obsessions about food have gotten much better, i dont think about food all day and i certainly dont plan my day around it any longer.  I even skipped a meal, my first in my entire 20 years!!!  But when i was feeling sick i was eating all day, like i was dying tomorrow.  Im feeling much better today. Back to normal.

Still have 56 Pounds to loose.

Heres my story....

All through high school and even in middle school i knew i was a big girl, but i had a pretty face and super blonde hair so it never seemed to matter, i didnt notice how over weight i was until the first time i tried Weight Watchers.  It was right after i graduated high school and one day i was like eh I'll give it a shot, it cant be that hard, if my little sister can do it i certainly can.  So i tried it. I weighed in at 198 pounds my first meeting, then lost about 30 pounds in the following 3-4 months, it was great i was feeling good, looking great, seeing people who told me all the time how amazing i looked, i still had a lot to loose, but i was on the right track.  

I got a job working in an office and slowly but surely the weight started to pile back on, I found myself trying to get back to the Weight Watchers meetings time and time again and always failing.  Eating Wendy's for lunch everyday, double cheeseburgers like you wouldnt believe.  I saw pictures of myself and was embarassed to even go out, i couldnt believe how heavy i was, i even remember being so depressed that i had lost the weight in the first place because before i had lost the 30 pounds i had a different kind of confidence, the kind of a fat girl who is happy with herself, who knows shes beautiful and has no sense of weight even being and issue, but i wasnt that girl anymore so i had to grow up and deal with what i had in front of me.  I dont know why i know this time is going to be different but i do, So here i am weighing in at 181 pounds, 17 pounds thinner then the 198 i was at my heaviest.  not a weight i am super proud of but and acomplishment none the less.  I feel very committed this time which is why i have a feeling its going to be different.  

Weight Watchers is telling me i should be 124 pounds, standing at 5'6" and 20 years old, i dont know how acurate that is, and i dont know how much of an extremest i am, im thinking ill know where im supossed to be when i get there.

For now im just enjoying loosing the weight, and hopefully getting into my skinny jeans sometime soon. cause i sure did spend enough money on them haha.

Latest inspiration.



The Olly Girls from sunset tan. i love them.



Latest Recipe I'm Obsessed With:

CHICKEN PARM

7 Weight Watchers Points.

Ingredients

• 29 oz canned diced tomatoes, with Italian herbs (2 cans)
• 1 tsp Italian seasoning
• 1/2 tsp dried basil
• 1/2 tsp dried oregano
• 1/2 tsp black pepper
• 1 Tbsp sugar
• 1 Tbsp balsamic vinegar
• 1 pound uncooked boneless, skinless chicken breast, four 4-oz pieces
• 1/2 cup seasoned bread crumbs, Italian
• 4 tsp olive oil, divided
• 1 sprays cooking spray
• 3/4 oz shredded part-skim mozzarella cheeses
• 1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese, fresh

Instructions

• Combine first 5 ingredients in a large saucepan. Bring to a boil; reduce heat, and simmer, uncovered, 35 minutes. Stir in sugar and vinegar; simmer 5 minutes.
  
  
• Preheat oven to 350°.
  
  
• Place each chicken breast half between 2 sheets of heavy-duty plastic wrap; pound to 1⁄2-inch thickness, using a meat mallet or rolling pin. Dredge chicken in breadcrumbs.
  
  
• Heat 2 teaspoons oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add 2 chicken breast halves to pan; cook 3 to 4 minutes on each side or until browned. Repeat procedure with remaining oil and chicken breast halves.
  
  
• Arrange chicken in an 11 x 7-inch baking dish coated with cooking spray. Pour tomato mixture evenly over chicken, and sprinkle with cheeses. Cover and bake at 350° for 35 minutes. Let stand 5 minutes. Yield: 4 servings (serving size: 1 chicken breast half, 3⁄4 cup tomato mixture, and 1 ounce cheese mixture).

Enjoy!!

<3 Barbie

So rehab started 2 weeks ago (rehab is just a code word), I'm already down 4.2 pounds (thank the lord). 

I went to a party this weekend where i saw people from high school, people from college, some old friends, I always hate going out cause i am afraid of who i will see. I was told by several people how great i looked, i of course being the crazy woman that i am cant help but think they are lying, or i must have really looked like a train wreck before.  I am 17 pounds thinner from the heaviest i was, which is an acomplishment of course, but i dont see it that way because im obsessed with being thin.   It is a terrible thing to admit that i am really grossed out by fat people, but i am.  i am aware that this is a completly terrible thought but its a true thought, and im finished lying to myself so thats that.  so now that i understand that fat people are gross to me i also think that other people must feel the same way too, which is why i have such a problem going out because i feel like everyone is staring at me.  

Now to the healthy part of my obsession, i feel like i am doing well on my diet, nope sorry, not a diet a life change, because this is for the rest of my life, i have decided that I am going to spend the rest of my life being the girl that other women envy and the one that all men desire, i am finished being a fat woman.  About my journey. it is going well, i feel healthier every day, yesterday i wasnt feeling well, my stomach was upset all day, but when i ate it felt better, so i over ate, but skipped out on school and went home and to bed early, in hopes that i would feel better when i woke up.  however i didnt feel much better this morning, i ate some crackers early on and i felt better when i was eating again, but i quickly decided i wasnt going to have another day like yesterday, eating all day might make my stomach feel better, but it does not make my head feel better, so i started drinking iced tea which seemed to help, so maybe my stomach just needed something, regardless of what it was. so the rest of the day has been good, im glad to be back on track because every day that i eat well is another day im proud of, and a little better i feel about myself, and it makes it easier and easier to go out and feel proud of myself., and not embarassed. and i know im closer to being the hot blonde i see in my head, and i can almost touch it.

I was put on prozac last week, i cant tell if its working yet.  I feel really glad to finally be on something for the anxiety that has been plaguing me since childhood, as i went to the doctor and he asked me all these questions about myself and my anxiety it was weird, all the things i thought were normal and were a part of me i began to realize are my anxiety, and that im actually not totally insane, or a bitch. that it turns out being my anxiety and thats how my body reacts to it, it was comforting to know that there is something i can do about this, and i wont feel like im living in someone elses body for the rest of my life, i havent had any serious anxiety attacks since ive been on the medicine, but they arent an every day thing, at least not the serious ones.  i still feel uncomfortable when im out but i know it can take a while, and i might have to try different kinds of medicine before i find the right thing for my body chemestry.  im willing to wait and try different thing to see what will work for me, im really committed to making my life better, im glad to be on the right track and taking charge of my life.  

Ive been thinking about quitting drinking as well, I'm not sure i like the person i become when im drinking, so needy.  I started to evaluate all my past almost relationships, because you cant really consider any of them real relationships, i always screw them up before they become anything associated with the word serious.  and i realized that there is not something wrong with me, that i just do these crazy things that are absolutly unattractive to ruin the potential of there even being a relationship, so its not these guys, its me, im the one who gets crazy and does something stupid to sabatoge it.  And i have realized that i did all of those really stupid and immature things to ruin my future relationships when i was either drinking, or drunk already.  Because i think i would like so much to not be a needy person, but deep down i am, and that tends to come out when i have had too much to drink.  I'm also very comfortable alone, ive been that way for a long time know so i tend to scare myself when things become to serious and ruin them before i get even more scared.  So, i have come to the conclusion, that if i want to get myself into a healthy relationship, i should either, cut down my drinking, or quit all together.  Because of my lifestyle, im thinking it would be easier to cut down instead of getting rid of it all together, but that of course is easier said then done.

Signing off for now.

-Barbie.